I've really been missing Mom lately. I'm not sure if it's because the anniversary of her death is approaching, but that's probably part of it. I've also felt quite alone recently. I miss the love and support of my Mom. There is no one who will ever love me or understand me or support me the way Mom did. I think people forget that I don't have a Mom anymore, and that it kills me. I'm sure I come across as pretty strong and independent (and I no doubt have those qualities, encouraged in me by Mom), but inside I often feel like I'm drowning. And I feel like I have no choice but to be strong and independent, because I have no one to depend on. Now this is not a slam on Ryan - he is so much to me, including my support, but in a different way. And he has so much on his own plate now, with the house, I can't expect him to do much more at this point. His incredibly hard work is for us: his family. I am so grateful and thankful for him. But that doesn't make my own emotions or stress any less. This is one of the points in my life where my Mom would have stepped in and taken on some of the roles that Ryan can't. Like when we renovated Kilburn. 

Ryan's uncle's funeral was last weekend, and when his daughter spoke, I couldn't handle it. Everything came flooding back like Mom's funeral was yesterday. I will repeat, I will never ever get over losing my Mom. Never. Thank you to those that remember and talk to me about it. This is not a slam on anyone, it's just truth: if you've never experienced it, you won't get it. Doesn't mean you can't support those around you who have experienced a great loss, it just means you have to be more consciously aware, and don't pretend you get it - I know that was so true of me!

I don't go a moment without remembering, even if it's sub-consciously. My whole way of thinking, of being, is different. It has changed everything from my faith (it's still fundamentally the same, don't worry!) to how precious my family is to me to my attitude. I am a much angrier person. I hate that. I hate that Mom's death has produced anger in me - something she didn't like. And I know that as my relationship with Christ gets better (it still has huge ups and downs on my part), my anger will get less. Stability with the house will also help, I'm sure! Anyway, this all to say that I feel loss and loneliness overflowing in my life right now. And thanks to those that care and ask and provide consistency for the kids and I. You know who you are and we love you dearly. 

And PS: we move into the house on Saturday!!!