Every time I hear the song "All That I Can Say" by the Dave Crowder Band, I am amazed by how powerful and honest the lyrics are. It has so accurately described how I have felt so many times since Mom died. Yeah, I'm guessing a lot of people think it shouldn't hurt this bad anymore. Or wonder why I can't get over it. Or forget that I don't have my Mom anymore. It's easy to think that way when you haven't lost such a integral part of your life. I used to be that way. As hard as I tried to not think those things, it was always at the back of my mind. I couldn't imagine the pain, the loss, the anger, the confusion, etc., etc. Until I was swept up into that world of pain, loss, anger, confusion, etc., etc. Now I know it will always hurt this bad, I will never get over it, I will never forget.

Before Mom's death, I definitely had struggles, problems, all that. But ultimately, my faith was so simple. It was so easy. It didn't always feel that way, but looking back, it was unreal. Not unreal in the sense that my faith wasn't a real part of my life, but unreal in the sense that I was so naive. I can no longer simply say, "God is so good. I fully trust Him and give Him all my problems, struggles and issues. He is faithful." Don't get me wrong; I believe all this about Him, but now I actually THINK about it before and as I'm saying it. Is God really good? Can I fully trust Him? Is he faithful? I scour my recent past and feel the pain, the betrayal, the anger plunge into my heart like a knife. And through all that, I can say that yes, He is good, trustworthy and faithful. There are times I doubt. There are times I get so incredibly angry. There are times I hate God for taking Mom. But I know that He is with me on this journey and He is okay with these feelings. He knows and I know that as long as I trust that He will get me through, even as I am experiencing all of this, it's okay. Now is not the time to abandon my faith. Through the hate and anger, through the disappointment and feelings of betrayal, God is carrying me through. I have to trust that. But I do know that it is not as simple as I once thought. This experience has opened my eyes to so much.

Even as I write this, I am being made aware of my "progress". A year ago, I would not have been able to write this post. I was still to close to the epicenter of my grief. I knew God was there, and would be there at the end, when I stopped hating, stopped the anger, accepted the disappointment. But that end seemed impossible to get to. Not that I am at the end - and I don't know if I ever will be until I join Mom in heaven and fully understand the meaning of that! I guess the point of this post is to say to those who are in that blissful state of living: enjoy every second of it. But don't deny us who aren't there the questioning, the doubt and the tears. It isn't as simple as it may seem.

Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark
Is creeping in
Creeping up
To swallow me
I think I'll stop
Rest here a while

And didn't You see me cryin'?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you set it down

Chorus:
And this is all that I can say right now
i know it's not much
And this is all that I can give
yeah that's my everything

Bridge:
I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that it was You holding me
I didn't notice You were cryin' too
I didn't know that that was You washing my feet