Things are going a lot better for me. I have had lots of time to grieve and for that I am thankful. It still hurts and I will always think about and miss our Jamee, but time and great friends and family have helped to heal the wound. It's really tempting to stay mad at God (because I have been mad at Him, but worked through it) for so many things (I take such good care of myself so why did this happen, why did the baby die and then stay in my womb for three weeks, etc.) but I realize that I can't. I also realize that it is okay to be mad and question Him. He created me with emotions, and anger and frustration are two of those. The most important thing is that in my questioning and anger, I still go to Him for comfort and allow Him to answer my emotions. And He hasn't answered the why, but He has answered that I don't need to understand, but I do need to accept. And He does it in such a soothing and gentle way, letting me vent and cry and ache when I needed to and telling me to accept when I was ready to hear it. One of my big questions was why He allowed the baby to die and then stay inside of me. If we had miscarried when Jamee died, very few people would have even known we were pregnant and I wouldn't have had to face to many people and tell them the awful news. However, I have come to think that maybe I needed to have everyone know, because we have received such an amazing outpouring of support from people, I don't know what I would have done without that. God's love has been demonstrated through friends and family in an incredible and tangible way - it blows my mind. (Great - now I'm crying and I'm at work!)
There are still times of questioning and ache, but I know that God is holding my baby and that Jamee's life was for a purpose, short as it was. Our baby has changed our lives dramatically and my love for him or her is so great - I can truly say that I am a mother and that I understand the magnitude of a mother's love. Some of our friends gave us a rose bush to plant in honour of Jamee and it has been so wonderful. Thank you so much to everyone that emailed, phoned, brought flowers and other gifts, and dropped by. I know that neither I nor my house looked particularly wonderful, but Ryan and I have been so encouraged and loved by all of you. We are so excited to give Jamee a brother or sister and share that experience with you all, sometime in the near future.